Baaa

"The power of Oprah - on her show last Wednesday, there was mention of a Brooks Brothers no-iron women's shirt. After the 4pm airing in NYC that day and thru the next, just the mid-town store of Brooks Brothers sold more than 5,000 of these shirts."
- Cynopsis

Clueless in Big Brother land

Some of the "houseguests" on "Big Brother," which I have allowed myself to be drawn into watching again this season, are frighteningly clueless.

It's especially noticeable on the live unedited feed of "Big Brother After Dark," which airs seven nights a freaking week on Showtime 2 from midnight to 3 am.

Last night, in my insomniacal way, I was watching it, and I'm not sure how the conversation started, as the director will occasionally dump out of one conversation in one part of the house and come into another in midsentence, but three of the men and two of the women were chatting, and the guys casually let it be known they had jacked off since they've been in the BB house - they've been in about three weeks now.

Now, as any guy will tell you - three weeks and they've masturbated - well, duh. But the gals were seriously flabbergasted. I mean absolutely stunned. "Did you really?" one asked. "No you didn't, where?" the other yelped.

One guy said he did it in the bathroom, another said he did it in a sock!! I was cracking up, but really had to wonder about these women. Do they not know guys do that?

Ladies, let me tell you a little secret: every guy does. The pope does it. Your dad does. Your boyfriend or husband do. (Oh, and if they tell you they don't, they're lying).

Sorry guys for breaking the code if you've been lying to your gals, but Too Saucy specializes in the truth. And Lindsay Lohan's breasts.

Some of the people on BB this year really are Bush-level clueless though. Last night alone, one contestant was talking about his strategy and, referencing a contestant in a previous season, said he was "taking a page out of Dick's book." So another asked - totally seriously - "Dick wrote a book?"

Of course, that contestant was Natalie, whose bio notes her employment as a "bikini barista," so, you know.

One time, a contestant was looking through the freezer in the storage room for food and came across an aluminum foil package labeled albacore. He had no clue what it was and asked three people before someone finally knew it was tuna. Then, last night they had a treat of pizza with various toppings on it, and one of them (Natalie, of course), noted she had never had lamb before.

What is going on out there in the hinterlands? There is other foodstuff besides Applebee's, you hillbillies.

And, of course, there are the usual little linguistic sins that drive me crazy. I don't know why it is so hard for people - not just on this show, it's everywhere - to pronounce the word "ask."

For the last time, people, you don't "axe" a question.

Oy.


UPDATE:
Ok, someone actually posted the masturbation conversation on YouTube. It's pretty funny. They start off joking about hooking up with each other, then about quarter way through the clip the men start talking about how they've, er, already taken matters into their own hands, and the women are shocked.

The incredible, edible Egg

"Huckabee endorses 'egg as person' amendment"

Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee on Monday endorsed a proposed Colorado Human Life Amendment that would define personhood as a fertilized egg.

The former Arkansas governor and Baptist minister also supports a human-life amendment to the U.S. Constitution.
- Denver Post

Ahh, today's Republican party. Determined to drag us kicking and screaming back to simpler times, when men were men and women were chattel.

Thank you, George Bush

Thank you for your incompetent, amateurish, chuckle-headed stewardship of the once-mighty U.S. economy, formerly the strongest on the planet, and now basically a second-world, debtor nation:

NEW YORK -- "Euros Only" reads a handmade sign in Billy's Antiques & Props on East Houston Street in Manhattan. But that's really just an attention grabber. Actually, owner Billy Leroy explains, the store will accept Canadian dollars and British pounds, and U.S. dollars, too.

Leroy is one of a small but growing group of New York merchants in tourist-favored neighborhoods such as SoHo, the East Village and Times Square who have begun to accept the euro and other foreign currencies.

With the dollar near its lowest rate ever against the euro and the numbers of international tourists in New York at all-time highs, some store owners figure accepting the euro offers a convenience to customers and sometimes generates a stockpile of a strong currency for themselves.

Lovely.

Remember when you could buy stuff in other countries with Yankee dollars, and merchants would be thrilled? Hell, a few years ago I bought some Singha beer in a bar in Phuket, Thailand and asked if they would take dollars instead of bahts, as I had run out of the local currency, and the owner practically had his 14-year-old daughter give me a blow job he was so delighted. (Surprisingly, I said no, by the way).

And now, we are happily accepting European currencies in our stores.

Way to go, George.

What's next? We sell our women folk to the rich tourists for chewing gum and nylons?

Can someone explain this?

Here's a simple question, that I'm not sure why no-one seems to propose.

There was a story last week about horrendous conditions at a California meat packing plant. The assholes at this plant were basically torturing the cows there. Sick cows were trying to walk on broken legs, being zapped with cattle prods, scooped up in forklifts. Just absolutely disgusting, horrendous treatment that makes you ashamed to be a human being.

I would give you a link to the article, but I really can't deal with stories about animal abuse. If I'm reading a newspaper and see a headline about it, I quickly turn the page. If a report comes on TV news, I have to leave the room. I just can't deal with the grisly details of dog fighting rings and other such atrocities.

But I absorbed the details of this one because I started to read a story about millions of pounds of meat being recalled from this plant - and it turned out this was why, they were putting these sick cows into the food supply system.

Apparently PETA or the Humane Society smuggled in a video camera and filmed some of this horror and it's floating around the Web somewhere - so if you have a stronger stomach than I do, you can probably find out more details.

Anyway, my question is this: why can't the Humane Society or the FDA, or whoever, have an inspector permanently stationed in every meat plant in the country to monitor how the animals are being treated?

Are there that many slaughterhouses? Would it be so costly? And if that's the case, make the meat companies pay their salaries as a cost of doing business.

Every damn movie you watch that has an animal in it features a line in the credits from the Humane Society saying it monitored the action on set and that "No animal was harmed in the making of this movie."

I'm glad they do that, but why can't they do the same at the meat plants? I really never think Steven Spielberg is going to torture an animal - but apparently the fucking food suppliers can't be trusted.

And, yes, I know the strangeness of having a meat eater worry about stuff like this. But if animals are part of man's food supply, there's no reason they have to be killed inhumanely.

I go through this dilemma every few years, but this story might actually have been the tipping point for me. I'm seriously thinking of giving up meat now. Not for health reasons - like anything in moderation, a little meat won't hurt you - but for my conscience.

Why is so much of mankind so fucking evil?

Hypocrisy in the GOP? What a surprise!

It's funny, but when Bill Clinton was getting pilloried for his fling with Monica Lewinsky, the Republicans and the right-wing media were up in arms. Those bobjobs from Monica were, according to them, the most disgraceful and shocking thing they had ever heard.

But now that The Times is reporting that GOP nominee apparent John McCain was involved in an extra-marital affair with a lobbyist - ehh, it's not such a big deal. The report is gutter politics and sleazy journalism, they cry.

Here is the real difference though: somehow I doubt 22-year-old intern Monica was trying to influence any official decisions.

With Sen. McCain, though, we have a highly paid lobbyist - paid big bucks by her clients to influence the government - and it's not so casual. (By the way, have you noticed these Republican women all look the same - sporting the cheap-looking, bad blonde dye job. At least with Monica, Bill was going for an earthy, big-breasted Jewish girl.)

And like all good Republicans, of course, McCain had already cheated on his first wife, dumped her and, a month later, married the current Mrs. McCain, a then 24-year-old beer fortune heiress no less. But, as Rudy Giuliani will attest, just because you're on the second wife, it's hard to stop your cheating ways. Newt Gingrich will attest to that too.

Yes, the family values party strikes again.

The hypocrisy from these people never fails to amaze.

Ha ha

Ann Coulter suffered a serious embarrassment over the weekend when her credit card was declined in Palm Beach. According to our spy, the nutty arch-conservative was caught at 9:45 p.m. Saturday night in the 10 Items or Less line at the local Publix when her card was rejected. "She was embarrassed but didn't make a scene," our witness said. "She just paid with cash and ran out of there. But at least she's eating."
- Page 6

Damn, damn, damn

I broke a glass a couple of nights ago (one of my favorite pint mugs with a Guinness logo on it, no less) and immediately vacuumed in a 300 square foot radius around the tragedy - but I am STILL finding little slivers of glass today.

How the hell do they hide so well?

Start building those Marriotts and Hiltons

Castro is stepping down and who knows how much it will change U.S.-Cuba relations, but hopefully it will begin a shift in the ridiculous American policy of embargoing the island, including prohibiting Americans from visiting or investing there.

While the U.S. government has been officially pretending the country doesn't exist, Canadian and European companies have been building hotels down there and offering travel packages to their citizens - and they will reap the benefits when Cuba eventually becomes a more free and capitalistic state, as it will.

Meanwhile, our own domestic politics are skewed by the policy, with the fanatically anti-Castro Cubans in Miami wreaking havoc for years, reliably voting Republican and making American candidates pander to them and try to out-bash Castro.

And the American policy is really silly. For decades, we talked, traded and dealt with the Soviet Union when it was the biggest, meanest Communist nation on Earth. We still do with China today. But somehow this tiny nation, 90 miles from Florida, is persona non grata?

Not to mention, it's been pretty counterproductive. If we had traded with the damn country over the years, it likely would have gone the way of the Soviets.

Meanwhile Castro, despite God knows how many assassination attempts, an actual invasion, and CIA plots to stir up his people against him, outlasted American presidents going back to JFK, and now steps down on his own timeline.

And we're stuck with Boy George until January.

They are real and they are spectacular

New York mag this week with an in-depth investigation of Lindsay Lohan's tingly parts. Kudos, New York.

Next thing you know, they will be mandating our food and drugs are inspected

John McCain, pandering to a Republican crowd about health care, said this:

"Also, I do not believe in mandates. I believe that every American should have affordable and available health care and I'd like to talk just an additional minute about that. But I'm not going to mandate that they do. I want every American to have affordable and available education. But I'm not going to mandate that they do."

Yeah. Let's hope those commie Democrats don't get into office and mandate that kids have to attend school...oh, wait.

Ka-ching

I had a nice bit of serendipity recently, and I don't mean the terrible chick flick of that name I was forced to watch a few years ago. You know, the one set in the eponymous midtown ice cream parlor, with John Cusack playing the same role he does in every single movie he's in.

No, I mean the gods smiled upon my credit card spending/technology purchasing ways.

My DVD player died last month and I had to get a new one.

I briefly contemplated getting a hi def model, but the format war between Blu Ray and HD DVD was still raging then – although it looks like Blu Ray has won the battle now – and I didn't want to pick the wrong one. And, frankly, the hi def machines still cost at least $300 and I don't watch DVDs that often.

(Actually, to digress for a second, now that it looks like Blu Ray has won, it has made my upcoming video game purchasing decision easier. I've been going back and forth between getting a Sony Playstation 3 or an X-Box. The Playstation comes with a built in Blu Ray player (and I think they usually give 5 free movies too) so I'm probably going to go that route.

And just a sidenote on that: I have a friend who got married last year and when I mentioned to him recently that I was going to get a video game player he went batshit: “Don't do that, you're crazy. What a waste!”

I couldn't figure why he was so exercised about this - and then I realized: it's driving him absolutely CRAZY that I can spend my money on a Playstation without checking with anyone, and sit up to 3 am playing it if I want to. He's not allowed. Heh.)

So on the DVD front, I decided in lieu of an HD player to get an upconverting model, which brings your DVDs up to near hi def quality when you hook it up to the TV with an HDMI connection. And I figured I would up the ante and go for a DVD recorder and combo VHS. I never tape anything anymore on VHS (do they even still sell blank tapes?) but I have some old movies on the format, and this way I can still watch them or even transfer them onto a blank DVD. And, of course, now I can record movies onto a DVD and not have them limited to staying on my DVR cable box from Time Warner.

Now, as part of my Continental frequent flier program, I get periodic emails from them to answer survey questions about various products and companies. It takes about 2 minutes to fill out each little survey (half the time I just make up the answers) and I get 250 miles each time. I've already put 6,000 miles onto my frequent flier account over the years this way.

Well, as luck would have it, one came in last month and one of the surveys was about Circuit City. It also provided a link to the store's web site and said if I bought anything from it through the link, I would get a $50 discount.

Bingo. So I surfed over, found a beautiful Toshiba (I'm a big Toshiba fan; they've made my last 3 TVs, including my HD, as well as this DVD unit now) upconverting DVD recorder/VHS for $165. Minus the $50 discount, I would get it for $115.

But when I went to pay, the web site asked not only for my credit card number, but the security code, that little 3 digit number by your signature. Well, over the years, it must have rubbed off and I couldn't read it. You don't need it when you're using the card in person, but apparently you do for an online order. It wouldn't process my order without that number, so I called Citibank, explained what had happened and asked if they could just give me a new security number over the phone so I could enter it on the Circuit City web page.

Natch, they wouldn't and the girl said she would have to send me a new card. But I didn't want to wait for it to arrive, so I used another credit card I keep solely as a back-up, and that I've never used before.

Well, apparently this card, an AT&T MasterCard, had a reward program giving me a $50 rebate on my first purchase with it. I had totally forgotten about that until the credit card bill showed up in the mail Saturday with the DVD purchase on it: $115 minus another $50.

I got the damn upconverting DVD recorder/combo VHS for 65 bucks!

Less than some DVD movies cost. Happy birthday to me.

(It actually is amazing how inexpensive DVD players are. Just a plain machine, without the upconverting, and not a recorder just a player, costs only about $50. It's the old disposable razor or printer ink cartridge theory. The machines themselves don't really cost much, but they get you over the years on the refills. Bastards.)

Anyway, I would just like to thank Continental, Circuit City, Toshiba, Citibank and AT&T for coming together to serve me.

And when I get my Playstation, I will, of course, invite my bud over to play it so I can witness the envy firsthand. Good times.

Oy

Parts of Charlie's back story were obscured to protect those he left behind. In his case, they were U.S. soldiers based at a Baghdad outpost -- the SPCA identified the unit only as Charlie Company -- who were barred by military rules from keeping pets. But when the soldiers came upon a flea-infested and starving puppy while on patrol, they could not resist sharing their affection and their ready-to-eat meals.

One soldier, identified by the organization as "Sgt. Watson," sent e-mails to animal rescue groups. The SPCA took up the case, and Operation Baghdad Pups was born.
"Making a home for Charlie away from Baghdad's slums"

The people are living a hellish existence over there. I can't even imagine what the poor animals are going through.

eMars and eVenus

Google commissioned Nielsen Online to conduct a study on people's attitudes regarding e-mail and found there are differences between men and women about what they considered acceptable and unacceptable online behavior.

For instance: Twenty seven percent of women in the survey admitted to snooping through other people's e-mail accounts, while only 21 percent of men said they'd done that. Men, though, were far more ready to set up "secret" e-mail accounts -- 17 percent of fellas in the survey admitted to that, while only 9 percent of women said they had accounts on the side. (Some people in long-term relationships defied this behavior: One in four married people say they keep joint e-mail accounts.)

Jennifer Grant, a product marketing manager at Google, says that the survey suggests men are more comfortable than women in sending certain personal messages over e-mail. Men, for example, are more likely to have asked someone on a date over e-mail -- 26 percent versus 16 percent of women -- and to have broken up over e-mail. A third of male respondents consider break-up e-mails OK e-mail etiquette, while only a one-seventh of female respondents thought so.

Men were also more likely than women to have sent regrettable e-mail messages while drunk. Women, though, were more likely to send chain e-mail forwards.
- Machinist

Of course we have secret email accounts. The damn girls are snooping in ours!

I've never drunk emailed, though. Drunk texting is a different story, however, but what the hell, after a few Jack & Cokes they're usually unreadable anyway.

Oh, I'm sure this will go real well

President Bush, acting on the advice of his national security advisers, has decided to attempt to shoot down a malfunctioning spy satellite that is expected to crash to Earth early next month, a spokesman for the National Security Council said today.

John McCain and his brain trust

And I still want to boink that girl so badly. That is, I badly want to boink her - not boink her badly. Oh, you know what I mean.

Compassionate conservatism at work

Visiting the scene of the devastation after tornadoes ravaged parts of the South last week, George W. Bush stopped in to speak to survivors there and said these comforting words:

"We're sorry you're going through what you're going through.

You know, life sometimes is, uh, you know, is unfair, and you don't get to play the hand that you wanted to play. But, the question is, when you get dealt the hand, how do you play it?

And I've come away with this impression of the folks of Macon County. One, you're down-to-Earth, good, hard-working people. They have a respect for the Almighty, and this community's going to be as strong as ever. That's what I think."

"Life is unfair." Yep.

Translation: "So, you know, fuck you that you're too poor. Now if you were born into the Bush family, if a natural disaster hits one of our many homes, we have the resources to easily get the hell out of the way. We can play that hand."

Of course, that's basically what he and his government and political party also said to the people of New Orleans after Katrina hit. Who knows why those lazy welfare queens didn't just scoot on over to their Kennebunkport compound or Texas ranch to wait out the storm.

And the invocation of the "almighty" always fascinates me whenever there is a horrible tragedy. The people who survive usually make sure you know they prayed to Baby Jesus, and I guess the implication is that's what saved them.

Of course, wouldn't God have caused the tornado in the first place? And what about all those people who were killed in the storms. Did God just give a big Fuck You to them?

The holy rollers never explain that part when they are singing hosannas.

As I go through my annual "Maybe California wouldn't be so bad" routine

It was a good morning for this.

Sheep

It's about 60 degrees here today and as I was coming back from lunch, I saw a crowd of people - I mean literally lined up outside the door - at the Cold Stone Creamery on 2nd Ave.

Why do folks get that pack mentality? Okay, it's a little warm, so everyone has to have ice cream?

You see the same mindset at work in the winter. If there's ever a semi-large snow storm - not that we really have those any more thanks to non-existent global warming - the supermarket shelves are stripped bare within an hour, as if we're going to be trapped in our homes for days and have to resort to eating each other. What is wrong with you people?

Politics schmolitics

Even though Tuesday was like a mini Super Bowl of the political world - well, at least the league championships - even I have to take a break from it sometimes, and what better way than with this great clip from the always adorable Sarah Silverman.

Her boyfriend, Jimmy Kimmel (I know!) has a running gag on his talk show where he pretends he's going to have Matt Damon on, but then says they ran out of time. So Sarah, who I first noticed on HBO's Larry Sanders show several years ago, and who has a hot little body, put this music video together. Very amusing.



And, ok, quickly about Tuesday - it was a good night for the Democrats. Either Hillary or Barack will be a great candidate. But as I tried to explain to one of my huskier and uncomprehending friends, it's hard to make a sensible prediction as to which one will be the Democratic nominee. It can go either way, and anyone who makes predictions right now is just puling guesses out of their ass, or saying the person they want to win - but they don't know.

But it looks like tired old John McCain will be the candidate of the GOP, even though the far right-wing nutjobs hate him. Which means it's likely to be another another Bob Dole election result come November. Haha.

Dog bites man

"Police: Crack Found in Man's Buttocks"

A handyman I am not

Jeezus, I need a drink. I just changed a halogen bulb in one of my living room lamps and I'm ready to pass out.

First of all, they scare the crap out of you with the warnings all over the package about how dangerous the lamps and the bulbs are, and don't look directly into them, don't touch them with your fingers. Huh?

And it's not like standard lights where you simply screw out the old bulb and put in the new one. It's a long slender bulb that looks like it will snap if you look at it cross eyed, and you have to maneuver it gently in so that each end touches the receptacles on each side. I felt like I was performing a heart transplant.

I was definitely not born to do manual labor.

The Giants win the pennant!

Woohoo. I'm glad New York won, but I swear, the sports fanatics get annoying. Although they are something to observe - like creatures in a lab experiment.

I got home a little while ago and now (at 11:15 pm) there are still people on the streets cheering and woohooing and blowing car horns and even some fireworks being set off. And the game has been over for a while now.

Sigh.

Granted, a lot of the noise is spillover from the knuckle dragging frat bar crowd of Blondie's and Pat O'Briens, but really. I always want to ask these people: so how exactly does your life improve now with this win? What's going to change tomorrow?

You see them on the TV bites cheering: "We're #1, we're the champs, we won." Hah, no you're not. No you didn't.

The Giants won. You're not getting even a tiny little cut of the multimillion dollars of prize and endorsement money.

But it is interesting to watch the sheer idolizing these sports fanatics have for their teams, members of whom - I hate to break the news to them - wouldn't take the time to piss on their hair if it was on fire.

Am I the last sensible person left in America? Well, yes. But still.

"I mean, Jesus"