Happy New Year - let's hope '08 is a good one

Thank me later

Some tips for you.


1. Do not, repeat, do not allow yourself to be finagled into watching a disaster called "Music & Lyrics" as I was Saturday night. It's two hours of your life you will never get back. Incredibly insipid, a ridiculous plot, and not even musically fun even though it's about songwriting. Just awful.

Drew Barrymore is in it, and she is usually quite adorable, but it's just a horrible film. Especially since Hugh Grant is the costar. You know, the guy who cheated on Elizabeth Hurley! With a street hooker! And he's trying even harder than usual to be cute and charming in this clunker. Ugh

2. Kinsale, the Irish pub on Third, does a sandwich called the Wonder Sandwich, roasted turkey, black ham and cheese on a baguette - delish. It's only on the regular lunch menu, though, which begins at 12 noon, but I was able to charm the waitress with my flirtatious magic and she convinced the kitchen to prepare it for me at 10:30. I was having brunch with my husky right-wing friend who had dutifully accompanied his wife to the big city to get her hair done. (I think he held her pocketbook while she was in the salon). He wasn't able to charm the waitress and was stuck with baked beans, chicken fingers and French fries - very healthy, I'm sure.

3. A great new drink I've discovered you should try - brandy and ginger ale. Quite tasty. It helped make the movie somewhat bearable.

15 billion a month

The ongoing war and occupation in Iraq is costing U.S. taxpayers $15,000,000,000 a month.

Remember, this is the war that was going to pay for itself once all the Iraqi oil got freed up and gas prices would plummet. Whatever happened to that theory, by the way?

I don't have to drive so gas prices don't directly affect me (although indirectly they do when goods are shipped to the stores and they pass along higher energy costs in their prices), but I hear the kvetching from my friends who are paying something like $3 a gallon at the pumps.

But $15 billion a month is astounding. And, of course, that's just what the government is telling us about. It's likely much, much higher, with costs hidden in other agencies (you know, like Rudy did when he shifted the costs of his security detail who accompanied him on his booty calls to the Hamptons with then-mistress, now third wife, Judi Nathan, to the city's loft board).

Not to mention, they just don't even reveal costs like the CIA and other such agencies.

Imagine what that money could do here at home. How many houses could have been rebuilt in New Orleans, the city Bush left to die, with $15 billion a month? How many teachers and cops and firemen and FBI agents and border patrol agents and FDA inspectors could have been hired by the federal government?

Hell, that amount of money could buy about 2,500,000,000 Jack & Cokes a month - even I couldn't drink that much.

Another one

Mischa Barton Arrested For DUI

And another one is arrested for drunkenly careening down the road, another who should be taken under my wing for protective custody.








I won't go through my rant again, you can just read it here.

Merry Christmas

Happy holidays to all, yes, even our Republican friends.

This is why the Republicans are called "The stupid party"

Mike Huckabee, currently in the top tier of the GOP presidential candidates, apparently didn't impress a young girl in Iowa.

“Who is your favorite author?” Aleya Deatsch, 7, of West Des Moines asked Mr. Huckabee in one of those posing-like-a-shopping-mall-Santa moments.

Mr. Huckabee paused, then said his favorite author was Dr. Seuss.

In an interview afterward with the news media, Aleya said she was somewhat surprised. She thought the candidate would be reading at a higher level.

“My favorite author is C. S. Lewis,” she said.

Now I'm not saying that all stupid people are Republicans. I'm just saying all Republicans are stupid.

Classy as always

The right-wing noise machine was something to behold this week. It started when Matt Drudge, the closet case Internet gossip columnist, ran a very unflattering picture of Hillary Clinton. (By the way, I hope I don't have to note that I don't care that he's gay, or even that he's a closet case. It's just really distasteful when gay folk like Drudge are also right-wingers and help a political party that would like nothing better than to throw them all into concentration camps. I digress).

The photo of Hillary was shot as she was campaigning in Iowa. It was a candid shot from the AP taken as she was out in the freezing weather in the middle of a conversation. It showed her looking exhausted, with lines on her face, bags under her eyes. Pretty unflattering picture taken in the middle of a grueling election process.

Drudge headlined it something like “The Toll of a Campaign” and then the fun started.

Rush Limbaugh – yes, Rush Fucking Limbaugh, the man who I believe the phrase “he's got a face for radio” was invented – jumped into action.

Fatass said: '"Does Our Looks-Obsessed Culture Want to Stare at an Aging Woman? Will this country want to actually watch a woman get older before their eyes on a daily basis?”

I hardly know where to begin. First, how about the ridiculous double standard inherent here. Hillary is a 60-year-old woman. I've seen her with the proper makeup and in a comfortable situation and she looks just fine for a 60-year-old.

Look at some of the men running – Fred Thompson, Rudy Giuliani, John McCain. Is that a bunch of beauties we are somehow supposed to enjoy watch aging?

But for Rush “To the Buffet” Limbaugh – who hasn't had a salad since the Nixon administration – to comment on someone's looks? Holy crap.

This three times married and divorced, drug-addicted (Oxycontin – also known as Hillybilly Heroin - was his drug of choice) piece of shit has some nerve.

By the way, his latest drug escapade, in case you forgot, was being busted with a case of Viagra that wasn't prescribed in his name as he was coming back from a “vacation” in the Dominican Republic. He's currently in between marriages, so why was this God-fearing right-winger carrying medicine for a limp dick? I thought these folks didn't believe in sex outside the holy bonds of matrimony?

And what was he doing in the Domincan Republic anyway? It's a notorious sex tourist destination for pervs looking to score underage prostitutes.

Let's recap: Rush Limbaugh - fat, drug addicted, limp dicked and possibly a pedophile.

That's some resume to be commenting on Hillary Clinton.

Roh roh

Let's just say, it's not a good day for your campaign when The Washington Post runs a front page, four-page report on your links to Bernie Kerik and a jailed mafia-tied accomplice.






Really a shame when that sort of thing happens.

Random thoughts #27

TWO WORDS

Please don't.

That's to even more tourists thinking of coming to NYC for Christmas to see the lights and the fancy store window displays and the big tree.

I had to go into midtown on Tuesday, and, in a bizarre spirit of holiday generosity, called my friend Sarah to meet me for drinks and appetizers at Gordon Ramsay's restaurant on 54th Street after she got out of work. We were hoping to see him yell at some staff, but, alas, did not. (Ridiculously overpriced, by the way. I had a mini burger for $16, Sarah had a BLT for 14 bucks. Both were amazingly good, but you are sure paying for the ambiance and the name. And don't even ask what wine costs.)

Anyway, I passed through Rockefeller Center to get over there from Third. What a mistake. What a zoo. What a claustrophobia-inducing, touristy nightmare.

I have never seen so much annoying humanity milling around, cooing at the sights and taking pictures. Ugh.

KUDOS TO MOTHER NATURE

And the job she has done with Kristen Stewart.

I got talked into watching “The Messengers” on Starz. Apparently, one of the guys from “Sex and the City” was in it, and, of course, that's a perfect reason to watch a horror movie, don't you know.

Anyway, the girl in it looked very familiar but we couldn't figure from where, so I IMDB'd her. It turns out it was the same girl who played Jodie Foster's daughter in "Panic Room,” which was five years ago, who knew.

Well, let me just say, she has turned out very well. She's 17 now, almost 18, the perfect girl age. Has no boobs to speak of, but great cheekbones and looks amazing in a pair of jeans. I'm now convinced I'm a leg and butt guy.

UNAPPRECIATED SKILLS

We all have little skills that go unrecognized. One of mine is loading a dishwasher. I amaze myself at the multitude of dishes I can load into my dishwasher simply by rearranging pots and bowls on the different levels. (I have the same ability with my freezer, loading boxes upon boxes of Omaha Steak goodies into it that you would never think could all fit in there.)

Thank you.

Two to funny

I always enjoy reading The Washington Post's online chats featuring one of their political reporters interacting live with readers each morning at 11 am. But sometimes when you read these chat dialogues - they happen in real time and don't have copyeditors - it gives you pause.

Again, this is The Washington Post, one of the country's great newspapers, and, given its location, has perhaps the best political team out there. But here was how this morning's chat, featuring the Post's White House reporter Michael Abramowitz, started:

Michael Abramowitz: Good morning everybody. Good to be hear.

Oy.

At least he's being honest

The AP asked the presidential candidates what their most prized possession was. While most of the candidates went for safe answers like their grandfather's pocket watch or a baseball autographed by Ted Williams, Fred Thompson, presumably trying to be amusing, gave the response most people think of when they see him with his much younger boobalistic bride.

Former Tennessee Sen. Fred Thompson: "Trophy wife."

Ugh.

A slow motion human train wreck

It is fascinating, and really tragic, to watch some of these slow-motion train wrecks of performers who have the world on a string and throw it away.

Here in the U.S., we have Britney and Lindsay of course, now more known for their druggy/boozy/party antics than their talent. I would include Paris Hilton in the list, but, really, what else is she famous for? Winning the gene pool lottery and being born a Hilton? Giving what looks like a decent bob job? Most girls in NY can do that. (Although, inevitably I seem to find some who can't.) I digress.


But in the UK they have Amy Winehouse who makes Lindsay Lohan look like a PriceWaterhouse accountant.

Watching her deterioration over the scant few years she's been in the public eye is just sad. She's been in and out of rehab, misses shows, cancels tours, has performed clearly high on TV programs, and is involved in all sorts of wacky, zoned out public episodes, including being seen once doing a bump of cocaine on stage.

She was never a great beauty, but in the early clips she's presentable enough in that sultry Jewish way I enjoy. Now, shes emaciated, tattooed, and a freaking mess. The photo in the Brit tabloid The Sun was taken just a week or so ago when she was spotted wandering alone in the middle of a freezing night in London, barefoot, mumbling and wearing just a bra and pants.

I always wonder where the agents or managers or – hell – parents of these 20-something girls are, why they aren't sitting them down and saying, “You're not only throwing away a huge career, you're going to die unless you stop this shit.” It's probably my giant ego, but if I had control of them for a month, I would have them turned around. I like control.

Anyway, the first clip is Amy when she was just starting out, she appeared on a show on the UK's Channel 4, and is singing a great old Dinah Washington tune, and looks healthy and cute even. (She's 21 in this clip, the perfect girl age, of course).



Then one of her first big hits was her own “F Me Pumps,” a great title and concept for a song. For some reason, in this video, they bleep out a lyric about doing E, which is probably the least of her worries.



Then, in what might be the most perfect match ever for a performer and song, she's singing another of her own compositions, “Rehab”



The last clip is just a few seconds of a common sight at one of her live shows now, when she manages to stand up, she's slurring her words and drinking on stage. Oy, what a mess. She turned 24 in September. Who knows if she will make 25. What a waste of a good voice and song writer.

Sadistic creep alert

Mike Huckabee, the former Republican governor of Arkansas is surging in the GOP polls lately, catching up to Mitt Romney in Iowa, leading Rudy in the South.

But it turns out his family, which he likes to parade around as an example of how Godly and religious he is - as opposed to, you know, thrice-married, cross-dressing Rudy, or Romney the Mormon, a religion the Southern evangelicals hate and fear - has a sadistic cocksucker in it, and maybe he should think twice about using them as examples of his character.

One of his sons was involved in a very disturbing incident a few years ago, as reported in an animal cruelty bulletin put out by Kinky Freidman of all people:

BOY SCOUTS KILL DOG!

ACTION NEEDED: DEMAND INVESTIGATION

(Miller County, Arkansas) Two boy scout counselors, 17 year old Clayton Frady and 18 year old David Huckabee, the son of Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee, have admitted to catching a stray dog during their summer session at Camp Pioneer in Hatfield, AR, and hanging the dog by his neck, slitting his throat and stoning him to death.

Camp officials, who did not report the crime to law enforcement officials, have admitted that the act did occur and have fired the boys from their positions. However, no charges have been filed against the young men.

Arkansas State Police conducted a perfunctory investigation, but did not attempt to locate witnesses to the crime.

That's the asshole in the center here in an old Christmas card the Huckabees sent out. The fat fuck. (And by the way, I guess this puts to rest the old fashion myth that stripes are slimming. What a bunch of double wides!)

Ka-ching

So I stop in for lunch at Mustang Grill on 2nd. I get a chicken quesadilla and, throughout the afternoon, six Blue Moons, two of which the bartender, the lovely Victoria, bought for me. It's a half price happy hour from 2-6 pm. The entire bill comes to only 18 bucks. Including six Blue Moons!

And it's a bar on my Continental Airlines One Pass dining program, for which I get three miles for every dollar spent. But, here's the beauty part, I just need to use my card twice more before the end of the calender year at any of the participating establishments and then my One Pass miles go to TEN for every dollar spent. Happy birthday to me.

Is she smarter than a fifth grader?

It's probably safe to say most Americans are pretty dense about history or politics or even just basic general knowledge. God knows, some of my friends astound me with their cluelessness sometimes.

But you sort of expect the press secretary of the President of the United States, who faces the media every day, often on live television, and who represents the White House on all issues, to be perhaps in the top percentile of smarties.

Unless it's the Bush White House, of course, and press secretary Dana Perino:

Appearing on National Public Radio's light-hearted quiz show "Wait, Wait . . . Don't Tell Me," which aired over the weekend, Perino got into the spirit of things and told a story about herself that she had previously shared only in private: During a White House briefing, a reporter referred to the Cuban Missile Crisis -- and she didn't know what it was.

"I was panicked a bit because I really don't know about . . . the Cuban Missile Crisis," said Perino, who at 35 was born about a decade after the 1962 U.S.-Soviet nuclear showdown. "It had to do with Cuba and missiles, I'm pretty sure."

So she consulted her best source. "I came home and I asked my husband," she recalled. "I said, 'Wasn't that like the Bay of Pigs thing?' And he said, 'Oh, Dana.'"

Oy.

By her logic, I guess she also doesn't know about WWII or the American Revolution because, you know, they happened before she was born.

At least she's not too bad looking. And, of course, the sad thing is she's probably still smarter than her boss.

Rudy Giggliani

The pundits were up in arms a few months ago about Hillary Clinton's laugh, calling it a "cackle." Rudy Giuliani - even when he's out of his dresses - is quite the giggler, as TPM notes in this video compilation of his rather coquettish appearance on "Meet The Press."

Good!

Bastard.

NYC Councilman Tony Avella for President

If this happens, I will be very happy.

My mouth is already watering

The Omaha steak has left The Bronx...

UPS Tracking:

BRONX, NY, 12/07/2007
5:57 A.M. OUT FOR DELIVERY

Rack Of Lamb 1.5 lbs.
6 Filet Mignon
12 Omaha Steaks Burgers
6 Chicken In Pastry
12 Filet Mignon Spring Rolls appetizers
12 seafood stuffed mushroom appetizers
Chicken Sampler - 2 Each Of
Chkn Kiev
Chkn Cordon Bleu
Chkn W/wild Rice
Chkn W/broc/cheese
12 Gourmet Franks
4 Stuffed Sole W/scallops & crabmeat
12 Pork Sausage, Breakfast
1 Carnegie Deli Cheesecake
4 Top Sirloins

It might be cheaper than staying at the Venetian

If anyone was still unsure that the housing market is in trouble in this country, this picture might put their doubts to rest.

That's in Las Vegas, where a crazy building boom and the subprime mortgage crisis has really done a number.

But two homes for the price of one? I'm thrilled when the Key Food does two cartons of Tropicana orange juice for the price of one.

Fortunately, New York still doesn't really seem to have been affected by the collapse in real estate values. If I was really smart -- and also wanted to live somewhere else -- this would be the time to sell out now, get the crazy Manhattan prices, and go buy a goddamn mansion in some other place. But, you know, who the hell wants to live in Delaware?

The chickens are coming home to roost

Some of the Republican candidates are getting upset that they are being questioned about their religious beliefs. Mike Huckabee, who has vaulted to the top tier in the Iowa GOP caucuses, bristled at an NPR interview recently which brought up his stated belief in creationism - and subsequent disbelief in evolution - and yesterday, according to an AP report, "expressed frustration that he is asked about it so often, arguing with the questioner that it ultimately doesn't matter what his personal views are."

Mitt Romney, who had been leading in Iowa until recently, is facing a lot of skepticism among the Christian base that makes up a big part of the GOP because of his Mormonism. In fact, he's been forced to schedule a speech Thursday to try to alleviate fears and address the issue - like JFK had to do some decades ago as the first (and so far only) Catholic president.

The difference is JFK had to face religious bigotry because he was not one of the usual crowd. The U.S., until he came along, had only been governed by Protestants. There was a fear there would be some sort of Vatican influence, and he had to assure the yokels his religion would not affect his presidency.

Today, the Republican candidates have no one to blame but themselves. They have enabled the ongoing bigotry. They spend so much time invoking Little Baby Jesus to rail against gays and abortion, they have created a powerful right-wing Christian, Bible-thumping block to which they have to curry favor.

But now they don't like it when their wacky theories are challenged by the press, or their not-quite Christian faith is being used against them by that very Christian base.

I believe it was the Lord himself who said: What goes around, comes around, suckas.

I don't believe it!

"US Weekly's cover story regarding Scarlett Johansson and its clear implication that she has had plastic or cosmetic surgery on her nose is an outrageous and defamatory fabrication lacking any conceivable basis or proof, despite vehement denials by Ms. Johansson prior to publication," reads a statement from her rep, exclusively to OK!. "Not surprisingly, US magazine cannot provide the dates when she supposedly had this surgery, who performed the surgery, or what was supposedly done — all because there simply is no truth to the story. The publication made a pathetic attempt to validate its story by using two cover photos of Scarlett that were taken years apart with obviously different make-up and lighting, and then relying on an "expert’s opinion” (based solely on looking at the two photos) on what "might" have been done. It wasn't."
- OK magazine

How dare they. That nose, like every other part of her, is perfect. And natural.

Magic 8 Ball says...yes

Bigger is better?
Breast augmentation on the rise with college women despite health risks

I had drinks with a friend yesterday at Southern Hospitality, the Justin Timberlake dive bar on 2nd. Let's just say the bartender probably pulled in an extra $500 a day in tips.

At least I think it was a boob job. I actually wasn't sure, but my bud, who is not bad in that department herself, assured me it was.

Of course, every girl insists every other girl with large breasts has had to have had them done, so who knows.

Couldn't they have taken the picture AFTER she fell face first in that cake?

Britney Spears spent her 26th birthday with Paris Hilton.

I'm sure that went well.

Very cool

If you're into dinosaurs - and who isn't? - this is a fascinating story.

Best campaign ad of the season

This could almost convince me to vote for Rudy.

And I'm stuck riding the 6 train

Well before it was publicly known he was seeing her, then-married New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani provided a police driver and city car for his mistress Judith Nathan, former senior city officials tell the Blotter on ABCNews.com.

"She used the PD as her personal taxi service," said one former city official who worked for Giuliani.
- ABC

Tell me again about the party of family values that impeached Bill Clinton for getting a bobjob.

He just never knew what Donna was going to do

"I had 24-hour security for the eight years that I was mayor. They followed me everyplace I went. It was because there were, you know, threats, threats that I don't generally talk about. Some have become public recently; most of them haven't."
- Rudy Giuliani, defending his billing of thousands of dollars of security costs to the city incurred when he was on booty calls with then-mistress Judi Nathan (below), while still married to second wife Donna Hanover (above).

Time warp

So I'm flipping around the channels at about 3 am last night in my insomniacal way and came across something on Universal HD called “Bloodhounds of Broadway.” I never heard of it and put up the description on the channel guide. It was from 1989 and starred a bizarrely matched cast, including Madonna, Matt Dillon and Randy Quaid.

I only lasted about 5 minutes before bailing out because it was god awful, but I was on it long enough to notice that Madonna looked like a little girl, Matt Dillon looked like he was in high school – and Randy Quaid looked EXACTLY the same as he does today. In fact, he looked exactly the same as he does in everything you've seen him in – exactly the same as in those National Lampoon Vacation movies (of which he was always the best part), exactly the same as the films where he's a villain.

This movie was made almost 20 years ago, and I don't know if he just looked prematurely old back then or if he looks weirdly young today, but it was strange to see.

He was also shocked that the Nazis were the bad guys in those WWII movies

This is perhaps the funniest right-wing reaction I saw to Wednesday night's CNN-You Tube debate. On the blog of conservative magazine National Review, an outraged emailer sputtered:

"I was absolutely disgusted with what I saw tonight from CNN. Thousands of people submitted questions for this debate; yet, the questions they chose only served to reinforce the stereotype that the average Republican voter is a confederate-flag-waving, gun-toting, bible-brandishing conspiracy theorist!"

Um...yeah?

Say again, CNN?

Like the political nerd I am, I watched the CNN-You Tube Republican debate Wednesday night.

Putting aside the general loony tune qualities of all the GOP candidates (the whole God, Guns and Gays wackiness) I have to ask about a pet peeve -- what the hell is up with CNN and its audio team?

Once again, portions of the sound were just not there. And it's not the first time I've seen this on CNN - on the last debate they sponsored, the same thing happened.

Now I realize when airing a live, on-location event things are not as controlled as they are in a studio, but these are big-time, national debates. They've been scheduled for months. I know lots of prep goes into them. So why does CNN have bad audio problems so frequently - mics not turned on when a candidate is speaking, or the sound cutting out on a hand mic with an audience member?

Say what you will about Fox, and I hate their politics, but they seem to do a better job producing these things.

Mr. law & order at work

Apparently when Rudy Giuliani was mayor, and beginning his affair with his then-mistress, now third wife, Judi Nathan, he billed city taxpayers for his booty calls out to visit her when she was in the Hamptons.


The Politico reports:

As New York mayor, Rudy Giuliani billed obscure city agencies for tens of thousands of dollars in security expenses amassed during the time when he was beginning an extramarital relationship with future wife Judith Nathan in the Hamptons, according to previously undisclosed government records.

The documents, obtained by Politico under New York’s Freedom of Information Law, show that the mayoral costs had nothing to do with the functions of the little-known city offices that defrayed his tabs, including agencies responsible for regulating loft apartments, aiding the disabled and providing lawyers for indigent defendants.

Lovely.

And you can bet a few of Rudi & Judi's romantic meals at Nick & Toni's were also stuck on us, listed as official mayoral meetings or some such nonsense.

In case you needed another reason

The Writers Guild of America Tuesday chastised Carson Daly for his plans to return to work on his NBC late-night show.

“We’re disappointed at Carson Daly’s decision to return to work. Mr. Daly is not a writer and not a member of the WGA, unlike other late-night hosts Jay Leno, David Letterman, Conan O’Brien, Craig Ferguson, Jimmy Kimmel, Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert, who have all resisted network pressure and honored our writers’ picket lines," the WGA said in a statement. "We’re especially appalled at Mr. Daly’s call for non-Guild writers to provide him with jokes. We hope he’ll change his mind and follow the lead of the other late-night hosts.”
- B&C

Not just painfully unfunny, but he's a corporate tool, a scab, a strike-breaker. What a guy.

Verizon comes through

A stroll around Central Park on a brisk sunny day, listening to Louis Armstrong on the Q (do you know, some people don't have phones with which you can listen to music!) and taking pictures like this shot of the reservoir with it too, all while conducting an email argument with my friend Corky.

Who needs the iPhone, even if it does become available on Verizon.

And they corrected their aforementioned New Every Two error and gave me a $20 credit for my trouble.

Mmmmm

I'm not 100 percent sure what this means, but I like the sound of it:

Verizon Wireless has stunned the wireless world by announcing that by sometime next year it will open its network to “any apps, any device.”

There is a lot of fine print, but the essence appears to be that Verizon will offer two flavors of service: its traditional bundle, which typically includes a subsidy for phone purchase and various other features, and “bring your own” device service, which will be open to any device that meets “minimum technical standards.” The company went on to say:

"While most Verizon Wireless customers prefer the convenience of full service, the company is listening through today’s announcement to a small but growing number of customers who want another choice without full service."

An iPhone on the Verizon network instead of craptacular AT&T? Could it be?

That reminds me, I have to call the bastards. I was checking my account online and my New Every Two thing, which I'm sure is supposed to kick in June of 2008, is listed as October. Something is amiss.

What the @&^$*?

I know conservative Republicans - and Southerners - are from a different world than I am, but, seriously, sometimes it's hard to believe they live in this country, in this century.

The Washington Post did a story over the weekend about how former Ark. governor Mike Huckabee is surprising many people with his strong campaign, and how he might give Mitt Romney a run for the money in the GOP's Iowa caucuses. The Post reports even his own campaign staff has been caught unprepared at his surge in the polls, noting:

His Iowa state director is in Costa Rica hunting snakes over the Thanksgiving weekend and will not return to the state until tomorrow.


What the fuck?

Hunting snakes?

Who are these people? And why do they have any power in this country at all?

Pet peeve #27

I'm begging the people who do the promos teasing the upcoming episode of a TV show - stop. Please stop.

They do one of two things that invariably pisses me off.

They will either show all the best moments of the program, the funniest jokes in a sit-com, the most shocking or suspenseful moments in a mystery, and basically spoil the best parts.

And, with a mystery/suspense program, they will frequently edit it so misleadingly that it seems to be the opposite of what actually happens.

Case in point, the Showtime program, Dexter, about the serial killer who is also a member of the Miami PD.

So I'm settling down to watch it last night, brandy in hand (I always like a nice glass of brandy when watching this show) and a promo runs as the episode begins.

And by the way, that's another annoying thing. I can see airing it at the end of an episode to tease next week, or even running one a day or so before it airs to remind you to watch. But just as the show begins? Ugh.

Well, the promo makes it look like Dexter has finally been caught, his hidden life and dark secret discovered. It shows FBI agents showing up at his door, demanding he come with them. You hear his voiceover saying, "This is it." You see him being escorted forlornly into the PD headquarters, with other cops looking suspiciously at him.

Of course, it turned out to be nothing of the sort. The FBI mistakenly thinks the serial killer they have been looking for is Sgt. Doakes, Dexter's arch-nemesis, who has always been suspicious of him. They were bringing Dexter in to do blood analysis (his job in the PD) on samples they found in Doakes' car (which were actually Dexter's).

Either way they play it, these promos are annoying. So stop it, Showtime. Ok? Thank you.

They're still not eating though

"Four-Years Later: Twins Found Caged Like Animals Now Thriving"

Animals vs. people – no contest!

Not to sound like any more of a misanthrope than usual, but I realized yet again how often I end up loathing my fellow human beings.

I was heading back to the city on Metro-North on Friday evening, after spending Thanksgiving in the 'burbs, and, of course, the train was incredibly busy. Some people even had to stand all the way back, but I get on board far enough up on the New Haven line that I got a seat. However, I had to sit in one of those that are by the car doors and that face each other - there's a bench with three seats across and then two facing them.

There was a guy on the three-seat bench sitting at the window, and a woman on the outside of the two-seat bench facing it, and I sat on the outside of the three seater, which was actually nice as I had plenty of leg room with nothing in front of me.

It turned out they were together and also with a couple that was sitting in the seats behind us and who had a toddler. Well, the guy at the window, I guess he was the kid's uncle or something, kept turning around to take pictures. I mean constantly. And he kept saying, “Caitlin, say cheese,” in a baby talk voice no less. Over and over and over again. Ugh.

And the kid was one of those annoying, antsy brats who kept squealing and jumping around and kicking the back of the seat (my seat, of course) and with no word from the parents to stop annoying the people in front of you, not to mention everyone in ear shot. Then the father started doing the A-B-C song with her - 50 times in a row! Then they went onto numbers. And to top it off, the kid had a cold and kept coughing all the way down to the city, and the parents made absolutely no effort to tell her to cover her mouth, so God only knows what disgusting childhood disease I contracted.

But I don't even blame the kid. She didn't know any better. I blame the annoying adults with her.

Hey, parents, here's a little tip: although you may find it absolutely adorable, the rest of us in a captive audience situation don't find you and your public interaction with your precious (at the top of your lungs) all that charming.

But then, to contrast with my fuming hatred for these people, a man got on at Westport with a dog, a huge German Shepherd. I'm not sure if the guy was blind, he didn't seem to be, but the pooch had one of those harnesses on, so I suppose it could have been a seeing eye dog.

Well, the dog sat down and just stared up at his master. Then after about 10 minutes, he lay down at his feet, closed his eyes and dozed off. No noise, no fussing around. Nothing but well-behaved quiet.

What a difference in manners between that beautiful dog and the brat sitting behind me with her annoying family.

Thank you, George Bush

The U.S. Military is demanding that thousands of wounded service personnel give back signing bonuses because they are unable to serve out their commitments.

Now men and women who have lost arms, legs, eyesight, hearing and can no longer serve are being ordered to pay some of that money back.
- KDKA

Real nice.

Oh yes, the Republicans are the ones who "support the troops."

Oy

"Donald Trump is back on NBC with The Celebrity Apprentice which debuts January 3 at 9p. This seventh version of The Apprentice will feature 14 celebrities competing in business-related challenges in New York City, but instead of hoping to make Donald Trump their boss, they will raise money for charity. Participating celebrities include Trace Adkins, Carol Alt, Stephen Baldwin, Nadia Comaneci, Tiffany Fallon, Jennie Finch, Nely Galan, Marilu Henner, Lennox Lewis, Piers Morgan, Omarosa, Tito Ortiz, Vincent Pastore and Gene Simmons. The show is produced by Mark Burnett Productions in association with Trump Productions LLC."
- Cynopsis


I believe this is the very definition of C-list celebrity. Seriously, I couldn't tell you who half of these "celebrities" are or why they're famous without Googling them.

Trace Adkins? Tiffany Fallon? Nely Galan? Huh?

Not to mention, any reality show is ruined when they bring celebrities into it. The game is dumbed down (have you ever seen "Celebrity Jeopardy"?) and when they're playing for charity instead of a regular person playing for a job or a jackpot - well, who gives a rat's ass.

"The Apprentice" was a decent enough show when it began a few seasons ago, and they've managed to spoil it.

I saw that one coming

Gasp. What a shocker. “The Bachelor” did not pick either of the two finalists Monday night!

You know, when I tell my friends a little known fact and they ask how I knew it, I like to occasionally brag and say, “I know many things.”

Which is true, of course. But I really did see this one coming.

And knowing how these shows work, I guarantee you, that bachelor is going to be back in an upcoming season. If you read the online bulletin boards, ABC realizes they have a gold mine with that guy. Now, I'm not suggesting there was something fishy with the decision, or that he was told to do that, but let's just say the network probably wasn't too disappointed with how it turned out.

My reality show guide, my bud Sarah, was genuinely shocked at the outcome though. She was convinced it was going to be the girl who made lasagna on one of the dates, as that's her specialty too. She really thought it was an omen, God bless her.

I had to calm her down, which wasn't easy after we had polished off an amusing little Cugee Creek shiraz, let me tell you.

I'd like to say after the show ended, the conversation then turned to the unrest in Pakistan or the subprime mortgage crisis, but, no, for some reason it turned to Lindsay Lohan and how she has thrown her career away with the partying and the clubbing, up to the point where she has been fired from movies or admonished by producers for not showing up to work.

Then I gave Sarah my lecture: I thought LL was on the path to becoming a really accomplished star, as she was a pretty decent actress compared to most of the young Hollywood set, but unless she turns her life around, it's all sort of on hold, and now she's more known for her tabloid antics.

She actually could have been the Ann Margret of today, and even looks like her a little. But AM always kept it together, as seen in this great clip from her first big hit, “Bye Bye Birdie,” filmed when she was the perfect girl age of 22.

I have absolutely no musical skills at all, so it always amazes me when I see elaborate numbers like this in Broadway shows or in Hollywood movies – how the hell do those dancers remember those steps? Especially toward the end when they're “competing” it's fascinating. Not to mention, AM wears those capris pretty well.

There are probably five federal laws being broken by just watching and laughing at this

I'm not sure who has more fun here...the girl dancing or the viewers - but I'm guessing the answer is probably the dog.

Moviendo las caderas

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“The falling leaves drift by the window...

...the Autumn leaves of red and gold.”

Of course, Chez jbk is high above the streets of the fabulous Upper East Side, so I don't actually see falling leaves drifting outside my windows.

But the leaves are finally starting to turn colors in Central Park. I should have brought my real camera instead of the Q, but here's a few pictures from a little post-brunch stroll yesterday afternoon.





And here's Nat Cole doing a great Johnny Mercer classic, “The Autumn Leaves,” which includes one of my favorite lyrics: “I see your lips, the summer kisses/the sunburned hands I used to hold.”

Let me tell you something, missy, ever since I worked for one of the big record labels and pillaged deep into the catalog, I realized they knew how to writes lyrics in those days - not like you kids today with your hip hop and your rap and your rock and roll.

Reason #27 not to shop at Wal-Mart

In addition to treating their employees like shit, predatory pricing, and driving small local stores out of business, apparently Wal-Mart does not have the brightest bulbs on staff.

GinBlog reports:

Some people that work here had a going away party the other day for a woman that is leaving.

One of the supervisors called a Walmart and ordered the cake. He told them to write: “Best wishes Suzanne” and underneath that write “We will miss you”. Here’s the cake that was delivered.

Living on a Prayer

One of my friends from New Jersey was bitching last night that the bridge and tunnel tolls into Manhattan are going to be raised, and probably the fares on the PATH too.

And Jon Bon Jovi is said to be considering a run for governor of the Garden State, which, you know, wouldn't be too embarrassing.

Jersey just can't catch a break.

But, damn, you've got to admire their big hair.

The chimp-in-chief strikes again

Small Town Overcome By Mysterious Ape Sightings

Correction of the day

GAUHATI, India (AP) - In a Nov. 13 story, The Associated Press incorrectly reported that Paris Hilton was praised by conservationists for highlighting the problem of binge-drinking elephants in northeastern India. Lori Berk, a publicist for Hilton, said she never made any comments about helping drunken elephants in India.
- AP

I don't know which is more bizarre. That there are such things as binge-drinking elephants, or that the AP would actually attribute concern about them to Paris Hilton.

The rich get richer

While it's hard to drum up too much sympathy for striking TV writers, who make maybe hundreds of thousands of dollars a year, drive BMWs and live in Malibu, it is worthwhile remembering that, even in a business where people are paid ridiculously high salaries, there is still a real divide between the well-off and the obscenely wealthy.

One of the points the writers are striking for is a higher share of the money the studios make from the sale and rental of DVDs.

As the LA Times notes:

When Tom Freston was fired from Viacom in 2006 he received $60 million in severance pay, more than all of the DVD residuals paid to WGA members that year.

Sure, they're not exactly striking teachers, nurses or bus drivers, but those DVDs are being sold because of the work the writers have turned out - not the work of the CEOs who get paid off in ridiculous golden parachutes and stock options by their buddies on the board of directors.

Whip Crack Away 2

No, it's not another clip from “Calamity Jane,” it's the feeling a guy gets when he's badgered into watching “The Bachelor” as I was yet again Monday night. I went to my bud Sarah's house for her specialty, lasagna – and may I say, yum on that – and then, of course, we had to watch the show over an amusing little Pinot Grigio. Or two.

As whipped as I felt, I got some solace when the show turned out to be the penultimate episode of the season. And, as all these reality programs do the week before the finale, they basically run a clip show, gathering all the losers live on stage in a studio while some of the most embarrassing moments from the season are shown.

Well, the camera would occasionally pan the live studio audience and – talk about an advertiser's wet dream – it must have been 99 percent female.

But there were a few sad sack guys sprinkled throughout.

At least I've never done that.

There really are some great looking girls on this show. Among the losers, I have new respect for Bettina, who has perhaps one of the most amazing bodies I've ever seen on television. Although she is a tad older than preferred. But God bless her and the way she looks in a bikini and in shorts.

Lazy and arrogant - what a combo

Republican presidential hopeful Fred Thompson will be endorsed by a leading anti-abortion group on Tuesday in a move that could bolster his support among conservatives.
- Reuters


Frederick of Hollywood has got a reputation for being lazy, but apparently he's not so lazy that he won't take control of your wombs, girls.

What a guy.

Shouldn't they all be honoring that damn strike?

I took a little stroll up to the Park this afternoon and passed three - no exaggeration, three - TV or movie productions on my way.

There was that "Sex and the City" movie that seems to have been filming forever. There was "Gossip Girl" - I was hoping to see that hot blonde girl, but alas, no such luck. And there was something called "Ghost Town," which I have no idea what it is.

One of them was filming a winter scene in front of one of those great Fifth Avenue apartment buildings and had covered the trees and bushes in white. It didn't really look too realistic in person, but I guess it will on camera.

I know some people get all excited at this Hollywood East stuff, but it gets annoying with these crews taking up much of the street when you're trying to pass. And, of course, the asshole PAs strut around like they're DiNiro.